I guess it has literally been a month (+) since last I wrote. Come to think of it, it has been more than a month since last I wrote anything. I had spent a lot of time trying to figure out the precise reasons behind such a hiatus and came to two conclusions:
1. I have nothing significant to write because my life is apple pie a la mode wonderful - and furthermore - I’ve become far too aware of the audience and so anything I do write (including this) does not completely stem from authenticity (which I’m slowly coming to terms with). 2. Charles Bakowski may be both crazy and rigamortised, but there’s some truth to his advice relative to the tortured writer: do not do unless it comes “roaring out”
…Nothing comes roaring out these days aside from extreme fatigue and bewilderment in how the hell I got myself here to this place that reaps such extreme highs and lows. All 60 of us roadies have finally returned to a place of familiarity and yet nothing feels the same. The furniture has been moved or stolen, bags are half unpacked but not fully, everyone’s legs are a little longer, and everyone’s social circle is a little tighter or looser depending. In myself I’ve found plenty to be proud of, but a few things I need to get dirty with as well - and of which I’d like to write about in a first and relatively public way to attempt vulnerability.
1. Since being in California I have had the opportunity to go to many different churches on sunny Sunday mornings. And every time I’ve been there I have felt an incredible guilt within my chest that puts a lump in my throat as big as the issue itself. I do not question God’s existence or sovereignty over my life, but I do question my ability to sacrifice what’s proper and what feels good in order to extend my relationship with Him. It’s been said that we all harbour lust within us, but that it’s desire that conquers our ability to choose whether or not we allow it to consume us. And I allow it to consume me on an almost daily basis. And even in my poor attempts to rectify the situation I have found a great dishonesty, in that I’ve mostly just been looking for a way where I can continue on this route and know forgiveness from Him either way.
2. The reason I fear departures so intensely is out of the fear of being forgotten. I’m always wondering if I’ve invested and poured enough into people which amplifies my personal angst when they CHOOSE to seperate our ties. Sometimes I think I need to take into consideration whether or not they’ve invested and poured enough into ME: a testament to self-respect and a test toward balance of vs. overbearing pride.